Missing

A morbid subject I know but death. Husband and I have both recently had health scares with our parents. Now in my case I know what it is and am kept up to date with all necessary details but in Husband's case we didn't know anything about it and his parents didn't even do anything about it. It is a strange case and very normal for them. No panic, no fuss, just get on with their life.

I was thinking about missing a parent and when you are missing an idea of a parent rather than the actuality. It is a harsh statement I realise that, but I cannot be two faced. I know it will hurt others when I make these statements but I need to say this, I do not want things to fester inside.

When Husband's parents die I will be sad, I am a much loved daughter-in-law and I love my in-laws back. However when it comes to my own parents the tale is different. Everyone who knows me knows I could not possibly love my mother more yet the story with my father is different. It has been a strange relationship with many more downs than there have been ups and like any relationship it has significantly coloured my relationships with others and my outlook on life. Not necessarily for the better. I find myself thinking that when he dies I will miss the idea of a father than the reality. I look to how I am with father-in-law and realise a small piece of what was missing. This is a sad commentary on relationship but it is the only one I have, I cannot say that I do not love him and that I hate him because that is untrue but it is not a love born of respect and affection. More a filial duty. I would like to change this but it is not that easy, there is too much water under the bridge to do this. I will never be outright mean and I will never do anything to deliberately hurt him but forgive him certain things, no.

So there we have it, I will miss the idea of what a father could be and I am sure that in some respects I will miss him, but in others I will not miss him and in some ways it will be a relief when he dies and I can just accept my mixed and muddled feelings and move on.......

Heartache

I have a pain, an actual physical pain, that has nothing to do with M.E. Flying husband is starting his Round Britain flyuk 2010 marathon today and I am missing him so much that it hurts.

I never thought that I would be this much in love with someone and that after 8 years together it would still be so acute. It is a pleasant pain, one where you know you are lucky to be so in love but where it hurts like f*** when you are not together.

I hope flying husband is having a good time and I wish that he has a good time and that the weather Gods smile on hi and his flying buddy. However I hurt....

I am lucky that I am in our house. It enfolds me and surrounds me with love which is a lovely bonus for when Husband is not here. I am sure that I would not have felt like this if we did not live here. It is hard though, I am so used to looking after him and being here with him that it is so strange when I am here alone. I find myself turning my head to look at the garage window to see the light that signifies he is home. It will be a week hopefully before I see that light.

I went out today! Gasp shock horror. I feel better now....

I felt that after my self-pity bout I should perhaps get off my bottom not arse and do something and of course being me that something would be shopping. I was remarkably restrained though for me, I bought such exciting things as mosquito repellent coils for flying husband, batteries for worky husband and magazines for me. Oh not forgetting the self indulgent browse through the book shop and coffee. It was good and my shoes were admired!

It was nice to get out even if the weather was not quite as warm as I would like for nearly the longest day. Big day for us Pagans that there summer solstice, and wouldn't you know it there is only 2 of us this year. Did I mention the fact that it is also our anniversary and Husband is flying the UK, again????

I made a new kind of bread today as well, brown and seedy, I am just about to sample the goods and will let you know the outcome of my experiment.

Blues and booze

This past week I have had way too much time on my hands and no energy and that is a bad combination. It just gets a girl to thinking and sometimes thinking is not what you want to do. Especially if you throw in a bucket of booze. So yes the upshot of this is that I have been a smidge maudlin. Thinking of what ifs and bemoaning my apparently friendless state.

Yes all very self pitying I know and I do have friends but sometimes I need friends in the daytime not just evening ones. Begs the question how do I find these people? Why can't there be a web site for people like me to find each other. You know, intelligent, friendly, shop-a-holics with a serious side order of handbags and shoes.....

Having had enough of that kind of self pity I moved onto to an emotional mine field of self pity. The whole subject of children. Or rather my lack of biological ones. I know I have the Childe and yes she is very special to me but I am sure she will understand that sometimes there is a huge gaping hole inside of me ( and I am not talking about the hysterectomy) that cries out to be filled by a child. Now this is not a permanent state of affairs either, for the most part I am completely happy with my life and the way Husband and I rub along together, we do not need or to be honest want children messing up our nice life. But, why is there always a but, sometimes that niggle just pops up, this time it was activated by visiting friends who have the most adorable 1 year old girl. I quite fell in love with her and whilst she is obviously not as cute as PP, she is as I have said adorable. The trouble is with these friends is that they are Husband and my contemporaries and they struggled to get pregnant so we always assumed that we would grow old together in a childless state. They had the good luck to have a child and their life has changed in so many ways and they are good parents, they are in many ways similar to how I imagine I would be. And there is the problem, they have a slice of life that if things had gone differently could have been ours! That can and does niggle when the mood is low. When the mood is not low I am grateful for my husband and my life, the Childe and her family and many other luxuries that I now have and I can raise a glass or seven to our friends and wish them well safe in the knowledge that my lifting of glasses can result in a glorious lie and not with an early morning alarm cry....

Family fun

Moving swiftly on from holiday fun comes family fun, a weekend filled with 2 birthdays, luckily it falls on a bank holiday weekend so there is plenty of time to recover.

Firstly was the Munchkins, okay so now he is 22 I probably ought not to call him that but he was and always will be my munchkin. He wanted a nice steak dinner at home and that was a result I thought, no cooking on my behalf needed, and a nice lazy evening in with good company and food. Wine did I hear you mention? Probably some was consumed yes.

The thing is though with birthday people is that you need to shop for that all important present and I know it is strange for me to moan about shopping but I was a bit tired and alot busy and I didn't want to go shopping, especially if it wasn't for me! Once I got there though into that wonderful shop, A&N I had a fine old time. I had forgotten how much fun it is to take time and attention when buying for someone else, the only worry being what size was the Munchkin? I came away with a rather pleasing t-shirt and shirt combo for him, inject some colour into his summer wardrobe I thought. He looked even more gorgeous than usual in them, I must say.

Not sister sister, the Munchkin's mother cooked us a mean steak and an an even meaner lemon drizzle cake and I poured a few mean Ouzo and sprites, not to mention introducing M to his second new drink of the night Tequila shots.....mmmmm pass that salt and lime. The only sorrowful bit about the evening was the fact that Godson could not be with us to complete the family but I am sure it won't be long before I get to hug him to death.

Taxi tripp to Mother's under our belt and it was all hands to the post to create a birthday to remember for Mother. She could not go to Greece so Greece would come to her. Kind Helpful husband had printed A3 pics of Stalis at work and those were stuck all round the room, greek music was downloaded and played in the background, and a Greek meze platter to make any Greek Mama proud appeared on the table. Admittedly I had bought enough food to feed an army but in my defence I went shopping whilst hungry. Big mistake......

There were Dolmades, 2 kinds of Houmous, 2 kinds of Olives, Greek salad, Chorizo, ( technically not Greek), a meat, melon and feta platter, Imam, Home made pitta breads, Foccacia, Falafel, Giant beans.....oh yes and a sweetie cake, coz I had no oomph to bake and was under strict instructions not to from Mother. My Brother and his partner came too. Mother was banished upstairs for the whole morning until all was ready and her Greek lunch was revealed. Her face made it all worth the effort. There is nothing in the world like putting a smile on the faces of those you love with the special touches and I love making Mum smile. Suffice it to say that the wine freely flowed and we were all suitably stuffed.

Not a moment too soon did we finish as the Monster hordes descended to wish Nanny and technically Great Nanny a happy birthday. It was lovely to see them especially because I haven't seen the married Childe. Ahhh she is such an old married woman now. And she is loving it!!!! Needless to say Chouet spent a fair amount of time running around with Grandkids and was exhausted by the time they went. I do so love it though when there is a houseful of important people and we all get on and have a lovely time, it makes me all warm and glowy....

Sun and fun

Phew time just does seem to run away some time, was it only a fortnight ago that I was frantically packing for the holiday and rushing round tidying up the house? Why did I need to tidy the house when we weren't here? Why so that the burglars found a nice tidy place and if we tragically died the police would not think we were terrible slobs whilst they rummaged through our stuff. I know, my mind is a truly scary place.

The holiday was gorgeous as expected and I was nicely de-stressed, even after the cattle class rant, I wasn't however fully recovered, not even a smidge of my former self, no walking in the sun, alot of sitting in the sun, and a fair amount of good food and free booze. Understating? Me? I don't think so.

It's funny how when it comes to my health how optimistic Pessimistic Husband can be. A week in the sun according to him will be enough for me to recover and have loads of energy and strength. I wish. It is very sweet of him to think this way but unfortunately it does not work out quite that way. Even leaving out being exhausted before travelling ( don't mention the wedding) by the time I have sorted out clothes, packed and travelled I am a zombie. Admittedly a dose of sun. sea and Ouzo helps but I am still wiped by the run up to the hols in the normal course of events. Normal and I in the same sentence is a bit strange I know. Then after the hols there is more cattle class to deal with, unpacking and the mountains of washing that seem to multiply when you aren't looking. Now I need a holiday.....

ah the sun

Okay why is it when we go on our hols to Crete the weather in the UK decides to behave itself???? And when we get back the weather will revert to awful....I am sending a letter of complaint to the weather gods.

Still it is very nice here, not too hot, a bit windy but I can forgive my second home that. The sea is blue, the waves are crashing, and the food and wine is flowing. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I could actually sit in the sun today without developing my sun schizophrenia. I know you are wondering what this is. It is where I want to get a tan, don't actually like sitting in hot sun too much, constantly worry that I am burning and don't want a tan coz I don't want to age and get all wrinkly. See completely schizophrenic. Makes no sense whatever.

Apart from that I do like being on holiday, just the thought of what hostelry to eat in and which outfit to wear. No other stresses and no other little irritating bits of life. Oh ys and lots of hugs from my Creta Mama, she is gorgeous and always makes me smile. Now if only she would adopt me and keep me in Crete......