Mutterings, musings and daily trivia

Where does time go

2012-05-02T17:25:00.002+01:00

Been feeling a bit tired lately and have had lots to do, so consequently writing this gets pushed lower and lower down the list of priorities. It's not supposed to be that way but hey, that is the way it goes. Husband and I have just come back from a quick break to Lagos which was supposed to refresh me but unfortunately today I am sitting here reeling from yet another encounter with the truck that periodically runs over me. Not in the least bit helpful either as we now have alot of work piling up. The garden plans are moving on and if all goes well it will be revamped on the 11th May. That is good but, and it is a big but, all the plants in my big purple boxes need re-potting into pots and moved. Not to mention all the rubbish needs moving and the shed emptying and thrown away! I know, moan, moan, moan. Not much work with the bank holiday weekend coming up you think??? Well that doesn't take into account social engagements and a very important visit to MIL who has just had some bad news. Phew I need a break again.

My poor crafting is suffering and I am having withdrawals again, I need to finish a birthday card by Sunday and am wondering how that is going to fit in. With difficulties I should think, shall I go and sob into a corner? Or shall I suck it up and get on with it? Obviously I shall do the latter but I tell you it will be very slowly and painfully!!!!!

Pen-pals and Yorkshires

2012-04-16T16:29:00.000+01:00

I had a good weekend, don't know about anyone else but mine was fine. I cooked a rather scrummy roast beef dinner on Saturday for Sister, I even made Gluten and dairy free Yorkshire puddings, I was impressed with that I can tell you. I have never yet managed these delicious morsels and to be honest I thought I never would, but I did. I am getting more experimental with my use of flours as I get used to the various different ones and how they work. You could say it was a labour of love. Husband certainly thought so, apparently I can now make a large one filled with meat and gravy, I say give me a chance! It could have been a fluke you know, I think I may need to consumer taste test a few more batches just to make sure.....Although, I could be tempted to go for a Toad in the hole....hmmmmm. Ponder, ponder.

Whilst I was killing time on the internet the other day I was commenting on Various Facebook statuses, from people I rarely see and who some I might never see again and strolling through a craft talk forum and making friends. I like this idea of cyber friends, don't get me wrong I like real friends too, but sometimes when making real friends is harder than it appears the cyber life proves a good substitute. I know some people out there, (strange ones I am sure) do not "get" Facebook or do not choose to have a life on-line.... I am genuinely puzzled by this, my whole life these days seems to be on-line whether it is my calendar, linked to both Mother's and Husband's, to my contacts linked to a Google account and Facebook or my random outpourings on this blog, my banking, my shopping Sainsburys and frivolous alike. I find comfort in the fact that when my M.E keeps from joining the big wide world that I do not miss out on the aspects of life that other's may take for granted. If I did not have the internet I would not be able to do food shopping on my own, I would not easily see the pictures of my gorgeous grandchildren, I would not be able to make friends and share my passions, I would, in a word, be lonely. Now isn't that a thought for all those that decry the internet?

Do you remember those days at school that we were made to write to strangers in letters, pen-pals, from this country or from others, offering up insights into our lives and the details of what we were doing? We didn't know these people and in some cases we had nothing in common with them yet it was an acceptable way of doing things. What are Facebook and forums but a large gathering of pen-pals? Slightly more instant admittedly, and yes sometimes I do miss the excitement of receiving a letter but it is slowly being supplanted by the excitement of an instant response of an e-mail. Yes! I have mail.

Gluten and Dairy free Yorkshire puddings

This is adapted from a recipe on the net, I haven't followed it slavishly and have changed a couple of things so I cannot claim credit for it all to myself.

50g white rice flour
50g tapioca flour
a good pinch of slat
2 eggs
150ml unsweetened soya milk
150ml water
10g dairy free marg melted and cooled
oil/veg shortening for greasing

Oven 230C gas 8

Mix together the milk and water.

Sift the flours and salt into a bowl
Add in the eggs and whilst whisking add half the milk and water mixture making sure all the flour is mixed in, add the remaining liquid and cooled marg and stand for an hour. After this time it will need stirring as the flour sinks.

Alternatively you could just bung it all in a food processor or liquidiser and blitz until all mixed.

Pre heat the oven, either grease bun tins with sunflower oil or place a small amount of lard or shortening in each one and heat until almost smoking. When hot enough pour in the batter and fill each cup to 2/3 full.

Bake for approx 20-25 mins.

Remove, devour.

Bear in mind that gf flours do not brown as much as normal flours, so your puds will be paler.

Chocolate dreams

2012-04-12T18:01:00.002+01:00

My chocolate order turned up today, finally, my Easter munching can begin. After a weekend when I felt decidedly left out from all the fun I can now assume the position of sloth on the settee and settle down to enjoy my delights. I've nicely parcelled up Husband's share, it looks suitably pretty and non masculine but I am sure he will enjoy the contents none the less. I can smell the chocolate, it's sweet smell is wafting at me, taunting me, begging me to eat it, maybe not all at one go, perhaps I can make it last 2 days at least...... But why does chocolate hold such a sway over us? When we are happy, in love or celebrating we are given chocolates, when we are sad, down or blue we are given chocolates, when we need a treat or feel we deserve a reward guess what we reach for? That dark seductive stuff, the stuff that melts in our mouths, the stuff that gives us such a rush of bliss that other pleasures can pale in comparison....Chocolate. It doesn't matter what type you go for the dark, 70% truly adult taste, the smooth creamy Galaxy bar or, the undeniable winner for most, Cadburys dairy milk the effect is the same instantaneous mouth rush of pleasure! Oh for God's or Goddess's sake stop... I can only eat dark chocolate, dairy free milk chocolate is a joke and I long for the taste of milk choccy, it's only been 4years and about a month since I last had any, not that I am counting you know. There are some things I will break my gluten and dairy free rules for and suffer the consequences but dairy chocolate is not one. Why? Because one bite and I will be hooked again, well and truly caught in the trap and I will have to cold turkey, again, to wean myself off. So rather than go down that route I refuse all offers and temptations, it is not easy it is not pretty at times when I am drooling but I will not succumb. No, never, not again. The absolutely sublime taste of Hotel Chocolat's Gianduja will more than suffice. it will have to, and thankfully the nearest shop is in Guildford or Basingstoke or mail order so instant choccy fix for me, for that my waistline thanks me!

Seemed like a good idea

2012-04-07T21:52:00.000+01:00

Easter weekend and all is fine with the world, well apart from the small issue in our house of no Easter chocolate. Now as a witch obviously Easter is not high on the list of things that I celebrate, however I am quite partial to spending Easter Sunday slugging on the settee with a pile of chocolate. This is not going to happen this year, a small hitch with the internet and delivery. The yumptious order of choccy due to be delivered on the 5th is now coming on the 10th! Not entirely in time for Easter. Now the nice people at Hotel Chocolat have done their best to make amends, they are refunding the cost of the whole order and giving me a £25 credit on my account and I still get to keep the choccy, but not eat it til Tuesday! Will there be any left for Husband?

Saturday afternoon seemed a good day to do a spot of crafting, just a small amount you know. I had some wonderful ideas that I wanted to do, I had written them down in my inspiration book and started them off. Then something happened, as it quite often does, the idea did not match upcwith the reality. Art imitating life? Or just life? The things that we start, with definite ideas of how they will look or turn out that end up not what we expected. I am not saying that this is a "bad" thing, just the way it is. More often than not the end result is better than the original, a srprise that works well but there might sometimes be a niggle that thinks the original would have been best. My cards definitely seem to do this. This afternoons were no exception, the ideas were there, the finished articles however bore little or no relation to them.....

Weekends come and go and crafty fingers itch

2012-04-03T14:42:00.002+01:00

It's Tuesday already, where did the weekend go? I know mine didn't go quite as planned, there was no reading marathon and definitely no crafting marathon. I was a bit peeved about this, there is nothing I like better than spending the weekend curled up with a good book, and a huge heap of card projects. I did manage to feed Mother bacon sarnies and Husband an obscene amount of bacon and egg butties though. Does that count as being productive??? Also the filing cabinet was relieved of some of it's load, is it only me or does paperwork reproduce whilst hiding away from prying eyes?

I did manage to take the new bag out for a quick peek of daylight, I can assure you that it was suitably grateful to be seen in Sainsburys, maybe not the surroundings it imagined itself in but the words beggars and choosers spring to mind.

I have managed some crafting today, my monthly Craft club on a Tuesday, and good fun it was too, we tried our hands at Iris folding, I had never done this before and did not take to it at all quickly, apparently I was quite vocal in my opinion! I don't see it myself, I am never vocal - honest. But I did manage to make a credible job of it and although I like the effect I can't see myself doing too much of it, my heart belongs to ink and stamps I fear. As usual when I have spent the morning out crafting I have the itchy, crafty fingers when I get home, I did put it off long enough to get lunch but now once this has been written I may have to move down a position on the desks, there is a siren call, I can hear it quite loudly.

So there we have it, my weekend came and it went on a pile of 6 wine bottles, and now the week is slowly slipping by, soon it will be the long Easter weekend and I will wonder where that has gone too......

Mama said there would be days like this

2012-03-30T15:40:00.003+01:00

Well maybe not my Mama!!

The morning had arrived, Husband and I are laying in bed sharing a cuddle with our smart phones, when I remembered that the nice man from Coach had not phoned me yesterday to let me know my bag was on it's way. I was a bit down in the mouth I can tell you. Oh yes I caved in and bought it!! Oops did I not say that? ;-) So after reluctantly leaving the arms of said smart phone I toddled downstairs to make a pot of tea and a grown-up breakfast of Rice Krispies when the door bell rang. I shuffled off thinking " what the heck has Husband ordered now" to be confronted by a very nice Postman with a VERY nice package in Coach stripes. I think they may have heard my scream from quite a way away. Oh I like a good bit of unwrapping, such nice packing, it's own box, ribbon, and bag to keep it in. My bag has a bag! Can you see my happy dance? So there it is, my beautiful, expensive purchase, just sitting there, on my bed coz I'm not going out today.......I did of course post the obligatory picture on Facebook, and was sitting there admiring it when aforementioned nice man from Coach phoned me to say he had dispatched my bag yesterday and it should be with me by Wednesday. What a nice man, quite surprised he was too when I said it was here and on Facebook!

I think the blood went to my head though, because not only did I decide to make pie for tea, and anyone who has cooked gluten and dairy free knows that that is not a task to be taken lightly, but cleaned most of the kitchen (can't have the new cleaners delaing with a dirty kitchen) and am trying to perfect the art of soft, white rolls. I will obviously keep this blog informed of the success of the rolls, the pastry I already know to be good.

I spoke to not Daughter daughter today, she of course tutted at me for being sooooo extravagant with my money, personally I think that the Pink Poppet granddaughter, who is showing alarmingly Chouet like behaviour, will appreciate them when I am dead and gone. She does seem to have "inherited" my shoe and fashion habit. Got to love the power of nurture over nature. Didn't work quite so well with the not Daughter daughter, she resolutely refuses to get excited about these things....tut tut, she could of course still grow into them, she is young still!

One more bag related thought, my bag has a serial number! It is of course a limited edition, I think I can safely say that I have never had a bag with a serial number.

Potato pastry.

75g white rice flour

50g cornflour

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp xanthum gum

1 tsp baking powder

100g butter/marg chilled and cubed

200g cooled cooked mashed potato ( smash is a breeze for this)

Place the flours, salt, xanthum gum, baking powder and marg in a food processor and blitz until it resembles breadcrumbs, or rub in my hand.

Add the mashed potato and mix until combined

Cover in cling-film and put in the fridge for1/2 an hour, then knead for 2mins until smooth and put back, uncovered, in the fridge for another hour.

I usually roll it our between cling-film or baking parchment as although stronger than some GF pastries it can still crack and break up.

I use this for yummy chicken pies and it works so well. Husband is so impressed that I can feed him pie again. Not too much pie though, that would not be a good thing.

Bags, bags, bags

2012-03-28T13:07:00.002+01:00

Sigh, I think I need to rob a bank, either that or get a handle on my bag addiction. I have fallen in love with yet another bag, do you want to know the details? It's a Coach bag it's beautiful and perfect for the summer, quite small for me too, but, yes there is always a but, it's £275..... For a bag, I know. I could tell myself of the quality of Coach bags, they are incredibly well made and good quality and I have one already so I do know, but still I come back to the slight, teeny tiny issue of cost. More to the point I am sitting here credit card at the ready willing myself to order it ( or not if you listen to the angel on the other shoulder) and I haven't even seen it in reality. Am I really going to go to Westfield or Bond Street just for a bag???? Don't answer that!

I know I will buy it, I will forgo many things to do this, more "essential" crafting equipment and supplies, clothes, shoes, yes even shoes would be foregone for this bag, it has taken on such a lustre in my soul. I could split it interest free over a couple of months and still have some play money. Let's face it I will have this bag! The last time I felt like this over a bag I didn't buy it and spent 3 years whimpering about it until Mother, dear Mother, bought it as a combined Christmas present and thank-you present. I outright cried on Christmas day at the sight of my Mulberry Bayswater, in oak, a classic. Now of course there is a little devil which sits there saying " ooooo get more in different colours", bad devil. Said Coach one is a bargain compared to the Mulberry habit!

This also raises another query in my mind, how can one who is Witch, wise to the ways of nature and the seasons, eco friendly and spiritual, be quite so materialistic when it comes to bags??????? Or Shoes???????

Luckily the very nice man in the Coach shop says they are out of stock. I'm not fretting, he has my details to let me know when they come back in stock.

http://uk.coach.com/flash.aspx#/collections/poppy

image no:2 Natural 19132

Compulsions

2012-03-27T16:50:00.002+01:00

Today as I merrily craft along I have had an epihany, I don't just like craft, it is a compulsion. I must craft. It is that simple, I need to do this, I must get dirty, inky, covered in glitter, frustrated when things don't go along with the vision in my head and elated when I produce something worthwhile. If i don't I suffer strange pangs and knawing sensations in my belly and my fingers tingle until I walk into the work-room sit down and.....begin! There is that moment when you see something that inspires you, whether it be another crafter's creation, a pattern or some other image that draws you to recreate that feeling as best you can in your chosen medium. Concentration, blinkered sight, and all the world is ignored until you sit back and look at what you have created. Then you can breathe and smile happily: and preferably show it to someone, anyone, who will be awed by your talent. There is nothing like it, well there are a few things but they might not be for public consumption.....
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2010-09-02T15:36:00.004+01:00

So today I went Boot shopping, oh I was so looking forward to my Boot shopping expedition. I had even taken along a pair of my own fair socks with which to try on said boots. Well not fair socks to be truthful, more like black and boring but you get the idea. I had looked and looked on-line for inspiration and had to go to M&S anyway to take back a top I didn't like and get shrinking husband some new jeans so it seemed serendipitous to shop for boots as well.

I tried them on, honest I did, some nice chunky ones to go with jeans, very nice they were with distressed tan leather and chunky sole, not daughter daughter would like them I am sure, just the right height for the school run and a nice thick sole for the gravel driveway. Well I liked them too but the 5s were too big and the 4 1/2s were a smidge too small..............grrr shall we say. Still all was not lost there were after all another 3 -4 pairs in my basket to try on. Yes you know what is coming, not one pair did I come out with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even the funky, chunky, black witchy lace up ones, now wouldn't that be good, a withcy with a pair of modern witchy boots. They were cool, but maybe a bit high, sigh, the flat ones before you ask looked awful, I don't think I do flats very well. My short stumpy legs need heels. So there we are a very unsuccessful boot shopping experience, still I am off to Reading with shopping friend on Tuesday so maybe, who knows, what I will find there. If I haven't succumbed to the lure of New Look tomorrow that is!!!!!!!!!!

So as I said to my soon to be departed witchy friend, I worship at the great high magic of M & S and the shamanic practice of shoe shopping! Only today my magic deserted me.

Being me

2010-08-29T14:21:00.001+01:00

I looked in the mirror this morning, nothing new in that. What I saw made me smile and realise that not losing weight is not the end of the world. I liked my body, it is full and curvy with definite breasts ( still relatively perky for 45) a waist that is incredibly defined and hips that balance the breasts. I have a woman's body, full and curvy, my tummy is rounded, my skin is soft, my legs are shapely and I repeat, I look like a woman. My husband loves my curves and celebrates them whenever he can. He thinks I am beautiful both inside and out.

I want to lose weight to be healthy not to increase my beauty. We all know beauty is more than skin deep and being beautiful inside is very important. I would like to rid myself of some niggely health issues and go forward into my fifties as healthy as I can be with a sensible and balanced approach to food. Not to be a size zero. I am not sure actually with my boobs that that would be possible anyway....

Anyway my point is that I realised that I loved me for being me. That's all folks.

Binge day

2010-08-27T16:41:00.003+01:00

Well today is a binge day. Sitting on the settee bingeing on TV and food. What a way to spend the afternoon. I could get up and do stuff but I can't be bothered and I haven't got the energy. So as I said today is binge day. No sure what I am going to do about it, not sure what I want to do about it. Enjoy it? Hate myself?

Who knows but things could be worse. Phone call from Husband, can't think of an adjective for him, some stoooooooopid idiot has just t-boned his car. On the way home from work. He is fine however the car is not, apparently he will be getting out via the passenger door!!!

Curry night should help sort him out!!! that and maybe some cider.

Brownies and values

2010-08-26T16:05:00.000+01:00

I got fed up. Fed up with counting calories, fed up with recording all foods eaten and drink drunk. No weight loss. Is that coz I have been eating too few cals? Also fed up with obsessing about all this. So I took yesterday as a day off, eat what I wanted, not record it and not obsess. Did it work? No not really, I found myself inadvertently portion controlling and sizing up calories. I woke up this morning determined to be more normal about things and shouted at myself for being so anal.

Then the grandkids came for the day and we made brownies, no healthy version either, full fat, sugar the lot. Yummy. I ate 2 small ones. Luckily I had to fight the grandson for bowl licking rights and lost! Now I am trying to figure out what I ate and why? Questions questions. No answers.

Keep the calories in control to the figure they should be, each day every day. Maybe I should zig zag, up one day down the next? I want my brain to stop thinking on this....I want to lose weight, I want to be able to exercise, that is a big no no. So I must be content to lose a little weight and keep at it longer. All I really want to do is to scream "it's not fair" I want a normal life, a normal way to lose weight, having come to terms with why I over eat and controlling it it is so frustrating when I cannot exercise to help the weight loss.

So be it, it's another day, another challenge, one more ting to come to terms with and deal with. I'm good at that..........

weekends come and go

2010-08-23T15:04:00.002+01:00

Another weekend down, another family do done, more wine drunk and bottoms sat on. It did lead me to the conclusion that families are a strange thing, we have our own families and we have those that we make ourselves. We do some strange things in the name of family and we watch others squirm and wiggle on the pin of family.

Extended families are a strange lot, we all think we have the right to be the main protagonist or the one that is in charge and it very rarely works out that way. Each member of an extended family becomes forgetful of others in the orbit. We all seem to forget others may have as much right as we do to be in the said orbit. That some do not see other's rights is a reflection more on their character than ours. We can only police ourselves, not others and make sure our own behaviour is above reproach. If we want more from others then sometimes a straight forward question is required and if that does not work then we must be content knowing that we have done all we can. However life doesn't always work out that way I know. Some people just will not accept others rights to be in their lives. That is unthinking, unfair and just down right selfish.

On a more cheerful note it is nice to catch up with family extended or otherwise, in fact my extended family is quite simply the best, lots of beautiful little people, lots of wonderful big people and an amazing amount of love.

Hmmph, wiffle, piffle

2010-08-20T14:58:00.002+01:00

Well I might possibly have lied again, I stood on the scales again, waits for irate husband to come charging home, and I was rewarded though.I had managed my holy grail and lost weight. So that was worth the constant weighing.

However the crafty thing yesterday might possibly have cost e more than money. I am a wee bit tired and achy today, so am banished to settee for rest. Grrrr

In the mean time I ponder upon cyber friends. They can be as flaky as real friends. I know there are people out there who collect friends as a hobby. I don't understand it but there are. Why do they do that? They ask to be your buddy on a site, any site, and then ignore you. Is it a numbers thing? Do they get a kick out of building up their numbers? Does it make them feel validated, superior and needed? Do they even stop to consider how it makes the buddy feel? Wanted at first then left out in the cold. No I don't expect they do, there are obviously exceptions to every thing and there may be those genuine people who get caught up in their real life and do not have time to connect with their virtual life. But there does seem to be a growing section of people who are only interested in numbers and not actually being there for anyone. So maybe next time I may be more careful when I accept a buddy request, or maybe not....

No stopping me now.

2010-08-19T09:32:00.001+01:00

Yep I knew I wouldn't stop listing my foods. Something about it is addictive and does strangely enough keep me honest. Again studies have shown that keeping a food diary is one of the most successful ways of losing weight. Darn it....

I stood on the scales today, okay confession time I have been standing on the scales everyday since Monday and not liking what I saw so I cheated and didn't record the weight. Bad me I know. I am an advocate of the once a week weigh in but that devil just sits on my shoulder and whispers and points at the scales and I succumb. Husband has now said that if I don't behave he will lock up the scales and issue me with vouchers for their use. How often I use them is up to me but when they are all used up there will be no more!!!! Could work, Thursday's resolution anyway is to ban myself from them until next Thursday. Scales cold turkey here I come.

Oh you want to know the weight? Well after the weekends wine and Tapas festival it went up and down again to the same as last week. So I guess I that is good and cannot expect anything else.

I tried exercising, I like exercising, thee only problem is my M.E (CFS) does not and all this week have been waking up with the dreaded M.E sore throat that usually heralds a relapse into "bad M.E". My technical term for it you understand. So the upshot of it is back to slow and steady weight-loss (fingers crossed, hopefully, prayers to the weight-loss gods) and little or no exercise.

The bonus was in the economy of my favourite craft shop. It mugged me yesterday and now I have lots of lovely new stuff to play with. So guess what I am up to today???

wow it's been a while

2010-08-19T09:16:00.002+01:00

As the title says..... It's been a bit hectic of late and my brain was not in the mood for musings, apologies. Here's one I posted on another site, a journal entry shall we say, to start things off again:

I am truly impressed with myself today. I went food shopping and managed to buy only healthy food. Nothing I shouldn't eat snuck into my trolley. I am enjoying being healthy which does make it easier. There is a definite buzz when I realise that I am being conscious of what goes in my body. Of course that does not count wine, that I reserve for my weekends. Nobody should come between me and my wine.

I am not going to stand on the scales daily, I will favour weekly, I feel that that is a healthier mindset. Foe me at least. I have proven that I can lose a large amount of weight and keep it off so I know I can do it, however this time round I appear to be more anal about things. I am not sure if that is a good thing. I get caught up in the whole diet thing too much, I look in the mirror and expect to see a dramatic difference daily which is clearly not going to happen. Intellectually I know this however emotionally is a different matter. I then find myself investigating what I have eaten and imagining how I can improve on this. This is not a healthy way to live, and I am not sure if counting calories daily is helping. I know to weigh and portion control and for the most part I do not eat sugar, processed food, wheat, dairy, or desserts. So do I need to count my calories? Can I continue to police my portions and eat healthily without writing it all down? Will I still lose weight this way? Why cannot I be happy with a weight loss of 0.5kg? This is a perfect weight loss and has been proven to be the best chance of keeping weight off.

All this is of course theoretical. I am expecting to be counting calories and inputting them here on a daily basis.......

Missing

2010-07-05T16:37:00.000+01:00

A morbid subject I know but death. Husband and I have both recently had health scares with our parents. Now in my case I know what it is and am kept up to date with all necessary details but in Husband's case we didn't know anything about it and his parents didn't even do anything about it. It is a strange case and very normal for them. No panic, no fuss, just get on with their life.

I was thinking about missing a parent and when you are missing an idea of a parent rather than the actuality. It is a harsh statement I realise that, but I cannot be two faced. I know it will hurt others when I make these statements but I need to say this, I do not want things to fester inside.

When Husband's parents die I will be sad, I am a much loved daughter-in-law and I love my in-laws back. However when it comes to my own parents the tale is different. Everyone who knows me knows I could not possibly love my mother more yet the story with my father is different. It has been a strange relationship with many more downs than there have been ups and like any relationship it has significantly coloured my relationships with others and my outlook on life. Not necessarily for the better. I find myself thinking that when he dies I will miss the idea of a father than the reality. I look to how I am with father-in-law and realise a small piece of what was missing. This is a sad commentary on relationship but it is the only one I have, I cannot say that I do not love him and that I hate him because that is untrue but it is not a love born of respect and affection. More a filial duty. I would like to change this but it is not that easy, there is too much water under the bridge to do this. I will never be outright mean and I will never do anything to deliberately hurt him but forgive him certain things, no.

So there we have it, I will miss the idea of what a father could be and I am sure that in some respects I will miss him, but in others I will not miss him and in some ways it will be a relief when he dies and I can just accept my mixed and muddled feelings and move on.......

Heartache

2010-06-18T20:24:00.002+01:00

I have a pain, an actual physical pain, that has nothing to do with M.E. Flying husband is starting his Round Britain flyuk 2010 marathon today and I am missing him so much that it hurts.

I never thought that I would be this much in love with someone and that after 8 years together it would still be so acute. It is a pleasant pain, one where you know you are lucky to be so in love but where it hurts like f*** when you are not together.

I hope flying husband is having a good time and I wish that he has a good time and that the weather Gods smile on hi and his flying buddy. However I hurt....

I am lucky that I am in our house. It enfolds me and surrounds me with love which is a lovely bonus for when Husband is not here. I am sure that I would not have felt like this if we did not live here. It is hard though, I am so used to looking after him and being here with him that it is so strange when I am here alone. I find myself turning my head to look at the garage window to see the light that signifies he is home. It will be a week hopefully before I see that light.

2010-06-15T20:46:00.002+01:00

I went out today! Gasp shock horror. I feel better now....

I felt that after my self-pity bout I should perhaps get off my bottom not arse and do something and of course being me that something would be shopping. I was remarkably restrained though for me, I bought such exciting things as mosquito repellent coils for flying husband, batteries for worky husband and magazines for me. Oh not forgetting the self indulgent browse through the book shop and coffee. It was good and my shoes were admired!

It was nice to get out even if the weather was not quite as warm as I would like for nearly the longest day. Big day for us Pagans that there summer solstice, and wouldn't you know it there is only 2 of us this year. Did I mention the fact that it is also our anniversary and Husband is flying the UK, again????

I made a new kind of bread today as well, brown and seedy, I am just about to sample the goods and will let you know the outcome of my experiment.

Blues and booze

2010-06-14T20:43:00.002+01:00

This past week I have had way too much time on my hands and no energy and that is a bad combination. It just gets a girl to thinking and sometimes thinking is not what you want to do. Especially if you throw in a bucket of booze. So yes the upshot of this is that I have been a smidge maudlin. Thinking of what ifs and bemoaning my apparently friendless state.

Yes all very self pitying I know and I do have friends but sometimes I need friends in the daytime not just evening ones. Begs the question how do I find these people? Why can't there be a web site for people like me to find each other. You know, intelligent, friendly, shop-a-holics with a serious side order of handbags and shoes.....

Having had enough of that kind of self pity I moved onto to an emotional mine field of self pity. The whole subject of children. Or rather my lack of biological ones. I know I have the Childe and yes she is very special to me but I am sure she will understand that sometimes there is a huge gaping hole inside of me ( and I am not talking about the hysterectomy) that cries out to be filled by a child. Now this is not a permanent state of affairs either, for the most part I am completely happy with my life and the way Husband and I rub along together, we do not need or to be honest want children messing up our nice life. But, why is there always a but, sometimes that niggle just pops up, this time it was activated by visiting friends who have the most adorable 1 year old girl. I quite fell in love with her and whilst she is obviously not as cute as PP, she is as I have said adorable. The trouble is with these friends is that they are Husband and my contemporaries and they struggled to get pregnant so we always assumed that we would grow old together in a childless state. They had the good luck to have a child and their life has changed in so many ways and they are good parents, they are in many ways similar to how I imagine I would be. And there is the problem, they have a slice of life that if things had gone differently could have been ours! That can and does niggle when the mood is low. When the mood is not low I am grateful for my husband and my life, the Childe and her family and many other luxuries that I now have and I can raise a glass or seven to our friends and wish them well safe in the knowledge that my lifting of glasses can result in a glorious lie and not with an early morning alarm cry....

Family fun

2010-05-31T17:03:00.005+01:00

Moving swiftly on from holiday fun comes family fun, a weekend filled with 2 birthdays, luckily it falls on a bank holiday weekend so there is plenty of time to recover.

Firstly was the Munchkins, okay so now he is 22 I probably ought not to call him that but he was and always will be my munchkin. He wanted a nice steak dinner at home and that was a result I thought, no cooking on my behalf needed, and a nice lazy evening in with good company and food. Wine did I hear you mention? Probably some was consumed yes.

The thing is though with birthday people is that you need to shop for that all important present and I know it is strange for me to moan about shopping but I was a bit tired and alot busy and I didn't want to go shopping, especially if it wasn't for me! Once I got there though into that wonderful shop, A&N I had a fine old time. I had forgotten how much fun it is to take time and attention when buying for someone else, the only worry being what size was the Munchkin? I came away with a rather pleasing t-shirt and shirt combo for him, inject some colour into his summer wardrobe I thought. He looked even more gorgeous than usual in them, I must say.

Not sister sister, the Munchkin's mother cooked us a mean steak and an an even meaner lemon drizzle cake and I poured a few mean Ouzo and sprites, not to mention introducing M to his second new drink of the night Tequila shots.....mmmmm pass that salt and lime. The only sorrowful bit about the evening was the fact that Godson could not be with us to complete the family but I am sure it won't be long before I get to hug him to death.

Taxi tripp to Mother's under our belt and it was all hands to the post to create a birthday to remember for Mother. She could not go to Greece so Greece would come to her. Kind Helpful husband had printed A3 pics of Stalis at work and those were stuck all round the room, greek music was downloaded and played in the background, and a Greek meze platter to make any Greek Mama proud appeared on the table. Admittedly I had bought enough food to feed an army but in my defence I went shopping whilst hungry. Big mistake......

There were Dolmades, 2 kinds of Houmous, 2 kinds of Olives, Greek salad, Chorizo, ( technically not Greek), a meat, melon and feta platter, Imam, Home made pitta breads, Foccacia, Falafel, Giant beans.....oh yes and a sweetie cake, coz I had no oomph to bake and was under strict instructions not to from Mother. My Brother and his partner came too. Mother was banished upstairs for the whole morning until all was ready and her Greek lunch was revealed. Her face made it all worth the effort. There is nothing in the world like putting a smile on the faces of those you love with the special touches and I love making Mum smile. Suffice it to say that the wine freely flowed and we were all suitably stuffed.

Not a moment too soon did we finish as the Monster hordes descended to wish Nanny and technically Great Nanny a happy birthday. It was lovely to see them especially because I haven't seen the married Childe. Ahhh she is such an old married woman now. And she is loving it!!!! Needless to say Chouet spent a fair amount of time running around with Grandkids and was exhausted by the time they went. I do so love it though when there is a houseful of important people and we all get on and have a lovely time, it makes me all warm and glowy....

Sun and fun

2010-05-31T16:49:00.003+01:00

Phew time just does seem to run away some time, was it only a fortnight ago that I was frantically packing for the holiday and rushing round tidying up the house? Why did I need to tidy the house when we weren't here? Why so that the burglars found a nice tidy place and if we tragically died the police would not think we were terrible slobs whilst they rummaged through our stuff. I know, my mind is a truly scary place.

The holiday was gorgeous as expected and I was nicely de-stressed, even after the cattle class rant, I wasn't however fully recovered, not even a smidge of my former self, no walking in the sun, alot of sitting in the sun, and a fair amount of good food and free booze. Understating? Me? I don't think so.

It's funny how when it comes to my health how optimistic Pessimistic Husband can be. A week in the sun according to him will be enough for me to recover and have loads of energy and strength. I wish. It is very sweet of him to think this way but unfortunately it does not work out quite that way. Even leaving out being exhausted before travelling ( don't mention the wedding) by the time I have sorted out clothes, packed and travelled I am a zombie. Admittedly a dose of sun. sea and Ouzo helps but I am still wiped by the run up to the hols in the normal course of events. Normal and I in the same sentence is a bit strange I know. Then after the hols there is more cattle class to deal with, unpacking and the mountains of washing that seem to multiply when you aren't looking. Now I need a holiday.....

ah the sun

2010-05-19T16:40:00.002+01:00

Okay why is it when we go on our hols to Crete the weather in the UK decides to behave itself???? And when we get back the weather will revert to awful....I am sending a letter of complaint to the weather gods.

Still it is very nice here, not too hot, a bit windy but I can forgive my second home that. The sea is blue, the waves are crashing, and the food and wine is flowing. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I could actually sit in the sun today without developing my sun schizophrenia. I know you are wondering what this is. It is where I want to get a tan, don't actually like sitting in hot sun too much, constantly worry that I am burning and don't want a tan coz I don't want to age and get all wrinkly. See completely schizophrenic. Makes no sense whatever.

Apart from that I do like being on holiday, just the thought of what hostelry to eat in and which outfit to wear. No other stresses and no other little irritating bits of life. Oh ys and lots of hugs from my Creta Mama, she is gorgeous and always makes me smile. Now if only she would adopt me and keep me in Crete......

Tomatoes everywhere

2010-05-19T16:35:00.001+01:00

After the wedding there was a small surplus of food, over order me? Never. However I do believe that the tomatoes multiplied whilst I wasn't looking. That is the only way I can account for the gross amount of tomatoes that I was left with. Long suffering husband has had to put up with a plethora of different dishes all containing one identical ingredient. Have you guessed what it is?

First there was the roasted tomatoes with steak and onions. Yummy. There was also a matter of a rather large baking tray of slow roasted tomatoes to sieve and then puree, What to do with these? Soup, pasta sauce? A sauce for chicken? Try all of the above....

Then there was the potatas bravas.... okay made with shop bought tomato puree but served with a helping of tomatoes in oil and vinegar with cheese. I thought Tapas might be a nice change from all the Greek food I am about to eat... ummmmm baked Feta, Cheese pies, ( those of course I am eating for Mother who cannot go on hols due to sick father), slow roasted lamb with Greek potatoes, slow cooked pork, Greek salad, dolmades.... I must stop this, feeling too hungry, even the smell of airline food is appetising at the moment. Is it really 4 hours since breakfast and it is only 10.45am....
Where is my appetising oat and nut bar?????????

Travelling light

2010-05-19T16:33:00.000+01:00

Travelling is supposed to be a pleasure, remember the days of travelling when flight was glamorous and we all had to look our best? Now we are crammed into increasingly small spaces and shuttled around the world in “cattle” class. In fact I have a sneaky suspicion that if animals were treated in this manner the animal rights protesters would be up in arms. We humans however pay a small fortune for the privilege....

The magazines lay out their summer spreads with details of how to travel with style and elan and how to look our best when we arrive. Have they actually travelled in an economy seat to a European destination? I think not, but we will still all buy the magazines and imagine ourselves jetting off first class to an exotic location. I am not sure either that after looking around the airport that the message of stylish comfortable outfits has permeated to all. Who would think to travel by air in 4 inch stiletto ankle cuff boots? Paired of course with an impossibly tight pair of skinny jeans. Then there are those who think nothing of jetting off in what amounts to their pyjamas, okay I know they are comfy but so are my slippers and dressing gown and I do not go out in those. Critical moi?

Ah the delights of the capsule wardrobe as well, duly trotted out for the start of holiday season, year in year out. Lay out your clothes, then half them? Or some such nonsense. 3 bikinis, a wrap and a couple of evening outfits. Yeah right. How could this be? Maybe in some alternate reality where you are a size 6 and plan to spend all day every day by the pool. What if you want to spend just a small portion of your time sight seeing your chosen location and not contributing to future skin cancer and bad ageing? There also is the question of what if you are not a small and perfect size and have lumps and bumps that need more cover? Do we let out standards drop because we are away from home or do we attempt to pack elegantly, usefully with a 15kilo allowance? I plump of course for the latter but then I am plump........ with standards. Even if my boobs are making an escape bid from my top as I type!

I am of course looking forward to my holiday, Crete here I come, ouzo, red wine and baklava just a few hours away. All I have to do is survive this crammed and uncomfortable flight...... Did I speak too soon? A sudden bout of turbulence has us all returning to our seats......