Friday, 18 June 2010


I have a pain, an actual physical pain, that has nothing to do with M.E. Flying husband is starting his Round Britain flyuk 2010 marathon today and I am missing him so much that it hurts.

I never thought that I would be this much in love with someone and that after 8 years together it would still be so acute. It is a pleasant pain, one where you know you are lucky to be so in love but where it hurts like f*** when you are not together.

I hope flying husband is having a good time and I wish that he has a good time and that the weather Gods smile on hi and his flying buddy. However I hurt....

I am lucky that I am in our house. It enfolds me and surrounds me with love which is a lovely bonus for when Husband is not here. I am sure that I would not have felt like this if we did not live here. It is hard though, I am so used to looking after him and being here with him that it is so strange when I am here alone. I find myself turning my head to look at the garage window to see the light that signifies he is home. It will be a week hopefully before I see that light.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

I went out today! Gasp shock horror. I feel better now....

I felt that after my self-pity bout I should perhaps get off my bottom not arse and do something and of course being me that something would be shopping. I was remarkably restrained though for me, I bought such exciting things as mosquito repellent coils for flying husband, batteries for worky husband and magazines for me. Oh not forgetting the self indulgent browse through the book shop and coffee. It was good and my shoes were admired!

It was nice to get out even if the weather was not quite as warm as I would like for nearly the longest day. Big day for us Pagans that there summer solstice, and wouldn't you know it there is only 2 of us this year. Did I mention the fact that it is also our anniversary and Husband is flying the UK, again????

I made a new kind of bread today as well, brown and seedy, I am just about to sample the goods and will let you know the outcome of my experiment.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Blues and booze

This past week I have had way too much time on my hands and no energy and that is a bad combination. It just gets a girl to thinking and sometimes thinking is not what you want to do. Especially if you throw in a bucket of booze. So yes the upshot of this is that I have been a smidge maudlin. Thinking of what ifs and bemoaning my apparently friendless state.

Yes all very self pitying I know and I do have friends but sometimes I need friends in the daytime not just evening ones. Begs the question how do I find these people? Why can't there be a web site for people like me to find each other. You know, intelligent, friendly, shop-a-holics with a serious side order of handbags and shoes.....

Having had enough of that kind of self pity I moved onto to an emotional mine field of self pity. The whole subject of children. Or rather my lack of biological ones. I know I have the Childe and yes she is very special to me but I am sure she will understand that sometimes there is a huge gaping hole inside of me ( and I am not talking about the hysterectomy) that cries out to be filled by a child. Now this is not a permanent state of affairs either, for the most part I am completely happy with my life and the way Husband and I rub along together, we do not need or to be honest want children messing up our nice life. But, why is there always a but, sometimes that niggle just pops up, this time it was activated by visiting friends who have the most adorable 1 year old girl. I quite fell in love with her and whilst she is obviously not as cute as PP, she is as I have said adorable. The trouble is with these friends is that they are Husband and my contemporaries and they struggled to get pregnant so we always assumed that we would grow old together in a childless state. They had the good luck to have a child and their life has changed in so many ways and they are good parents, they are in many ways similar to how I imagine I would be. And there is the problem, they have a slice of life that if things had gone differently could have been ours! That can and does niggle when the mood is low. When the mood is not low I am grateful for my husband and my life, the Childe and her family and many other luxuries that I now have and I can raise a glass or seven to our friends and wish them well safe in the knowledge that my lifting of glasses can result in a glorious lie and not with an early morning alarm cry....