weekends come and go

Another weekend down, another family do done, more wine drunk and bottoms sat on. It did lead me to the conclusion that families are a strange thing, we have our own families and we have those that we make ourselves. We do some strange things in the name of family and we watch others squirm and wiggle on the pin of family.

Extended families are a strange lot, we all think we have the right to be the main protagonist or the one that is in charge and it very rarely works out that way. Each member of an extended family becomes forgetful of others in the orbit. We all seem to forget others may have as much right as we do to be in the said orbit. That some do not see other's rights is a reflection more on their character than ours. We can only police ourselves, not others and make sure our own behaviour is above reproach. If we want more from others then sometimes a straight forward question is required and if that does not work then we must be content knowing that we have done all we can. However life doesn't always work out that way I know. Some people just will not accept others rights to be in their lives. That is unthinking, unfair and just down right selfish.

On a more cheerful note it is nice to catch up with family extended or otherwise, in fact my extended family is quite simply the best, lots of beautiful little people, lots of wonderful big people and an amazing amount of love.

Hmmph, wiffle, piffle

Well I might possibly have lied again, I stood on the scales again, waits for irate husband to come charging home, and I was rewarded though.I had managed my holy grail and lost weight. So that was worth the constant weighing.

However the crafty thing yesterday might possibly have cost e more than money. I am a wee bit tired and achy today, so am banished to settee for rest. Grrrr

In the mean time I ponder upon cyber friends. They can be as flaky as real friends. I know there are people out there who collect friends as a hobby. I don't understand it but there are. Why do they do that? They ask to be your buddy on a site, any site, and then ignore you. Is it a numbers thing? Do they get a kick out of building up their numbers? Does it make them feel validated, superior and needed? Do they even stop to consider how it makes the buddy feel? Wanted at first then left out in the cold. No I don't expect they do, there are obviously exceptions to every thing and there may be those genuine people who get caught up in their real life and do not have time to connect with their virtual life. But there does seem to be a growing section of people who are only interested in numbers and not actually being there for anyone. So maybe next time I may be more careful when I accept a buddy request, or maybe not....

No stopping me now.

Yep I knew I wouldn't stop listing my foods. Something about it is addictive and does strangely enough keep me honest. Again studies have shown that keeping a food diary is one of the most successful ways of losing weight. Darn it....

I stood on the scales today, okay confession time I have been standing on the scales everyday since Monday and not liking what I saw so I cheated and didn't record the weight. Bad me I know. I am an advocate of the once a week weigh in but that devil just sits on my shoulder and whispers and points at the scales and I succumb. Husband has now said that if I don't behave he will lock up the scales and issue me with vouchers for their use. How often I use them is up to me but when they are all used up there will be no more!!!! Could work, Thursday's resolution anyway is to ban myself from them until next Thursday. Scales cold turkey here I come.

Oh you want to know the weight? Well after the weekends wine and Tapas festival it went up and down again to the same as last week. So I guess I that is good and cannot expect anything else.

I tried exercising, I like exercising, thee only problem is my M.E (CFS) does not and all this week have been waking up with the dreaded M.E sore throat that usually heralds a relapse into "bad M.E". My technical term for it you understand. So the upshot of it is back to slow and steady weight-loss (fingers crossed, hopefully, prayers to the weight-loss gods) and little or no exercise.

The bonus was in the economy of my favourite craft shop. It mugged me yesterday and now I have lots of lovely new stuff to play with. So guess what I am up to today???

wow it's been a while

As the title says..... It's been a bit hectic of late and my brain was not in the mood for musings, apologies. Here's one I posted on another site, a journal entry shall we say, to start things off again:


I am truly impressed with myself today. I went food shopping and managed to buy only healthy food. Nothing I shouldn't eat snuck into my trolley. I am enjoying being healthy which does make it easier. There is a definite buzz when I realise that I am being conscious of what goes in my body. Of course that does not count wine, that I reserve for my weekends. Nobody should come between me and my wine.

I am not going to stand on the scales daily, I will favour weekly, I feel that that is a healthier mindset. Foe me at least. I have proven that I can lose a large amount of weight and keep it off so I know I can do it, however this time round I appear to be more anal about things. I am not sure if that is a good thing. I get caught up in the whole diet thing too much, I look in the mirror and expect to see a dramatic difference daily which is clearly not going to happen. Intellectually I know this however emotionally is a different matter. I then find myself investigating what I have eaten and imagining how I can improve on this. This is not a healthy way to live, and I am not sure if counting calories daily is helping. I know to weigh and portion control and for the most part I do not eat sugar, processed food, wheat, dairy, or desserts. So do I need to count my calories? Can I continue to police my portions and eat healthily without writing it all down? Will I still lose weight this way? Why cannot I be happy with a weight loss of 0.5kg? This is a perfect weight loss and has been proven to be the best chance of keeping weight off.

All this is of course theoretical. I am expecting to be counting calories and inputting them here on a daily basis.......

Missing

A morbid subject I know but death. Husband and I have both recently had health scares with our parents. Now in my case I know what it is and am kept up to date with all necessary details but in Husband's case we didn't know anything about it and his parents didn't even do anything about it. It is a strange case and very normal for them. No panic, no fuss, just get on with their life.

I was thinking about missing a parent and when you are missing an idea of a parent rather than the actuality. It is a harsh statement I realise that, but I cannot be two faced. I know it will hurt others when I make these statements but I need to say this, I do not want things to fester inside.

When Husband's parents die I will be sad, I am a much loved daughter-in-law and I love my in-laws back. However when it comes to my own parents the tale is different. Everyone who knows me knows I could not possibly love my mother more yet the story with my father is different. It has been a strange relationship with many more downs than there have been ups and like any relationship it has significantly coloured my relationships with others and my outlook on life. Not necessarily for the better. I find myself thinking that when he dies I will miss the idea of a father than the reality. I look to how I am with father-in-law and realise a small piece of what was missing. This is a sad commentary on relationship but it is the only one I have, I cannot say that I do not love him and that I hate him because that is untrue but it is not a love born of respect and affection. More a filial duty. I would like to change this but it is not that easy, there is too much water under the bridge to do this. I will never be outright mean and I will never do anything to deliberately hurt him but forgive him certain things, no.

So there we have it, I will miss the idea of what a father could be and I am sure that in some respects I will miss him, but in others I will not miss him and in some ways it will be a relief when he dies and I can just accept my mixed and muddled feelings and move on.......

Heartache

I have a pain, an actual physical pain, that has nothing to do with M.E. Flying husband is starting his Round Britain flyuk 2010 marathon today and I am missing him so much that it hurts.

I never thought that I would be this much in love with someone and that after 8 years together it would still be so acute. It is a pleasant pain, one where you know you are lucky to be so in love but where it hurts like f*** when you are not together.

I hope flying husband is having a good time and I wish that he has a good time and that the weather Gods smile on hi and his flying buddy. However I hurt....

I am lucky that I am in our house. It enfolds me and surrounds me with love which is a lovely bonus for when Husband is not here. I am sure that I would not have felt like this if we did not live here. It is hard though, I am so used to looking after him and being here with him that it is so strange when I am here alone. I find myself turning my head to look at the garage window to see the light that signifies he is home. It will be a week hopefully before I see that light.

I went out today! Gasp shock horror. I feel better now....

I felt that after my self-pity bout I should perhaps get off my bottom not arse and do something and of course being me that something would be shopping. I was remarkably restrained though for me, I bought such exciting things as mosquito repellent coils for flying husband, batteries for worky husband and magazines for me. Oh not forgetting the self indulgent browse through the book shop and coffee. It was good and my shoes were admired!

It was nice to get out even if the weather was not quite as warm as I would like for nearly the longest day. Big day for us Pagans that there summer solstice, and wouldn't you know it there is only 2 of us this year. Did I mention the fact that it is also our anniversary and Husband is flying the UK, again????

I made a new kind of bread today as well, brown and seedy, I am just about to sample the goods and will let you know the outcome of my experiment.