Monday, 5 July 2010

Missing

A morbid subject I know but death. Husband and I have both recently had health scares with our parents. Now in my case I know what it is and am kept up to date with all necessary details but in Husband's case we didn't know anything about it and his parents didn't even do anything about it. It is a strange case and very normal for them. No panic, no fuss, just get on with their life.

I was thinking about missing a parent and when you are missing an idea of a parent rather than the actuality. It is a harsh statement I realise that, but I cannot be two faced. I know it will hurt others when I make these statements but I need to say this, I do not want things to fester inside.

When Husband's parents die I will be sad, I am a much loved daughter-in-law and I love my in-laws back. However when it comes to my own parents the tale is different. Everyone who knows me knows I could not possibly love my mother more yet the story with my father is different. It has been a strange relationship with many more downs than there have been ups and like any relationship it has significantly coloured my relationships with others and my outlook on life. Not necessarily for the better. I find myself thinking that when he dies I will miss the idea of a father than the reality. I look to how I am with father-in-law and realise a small piece of what was missing. This is a sad commentary on relationship but it is the only one I have, I cannot say that I do not love him and that I hate him because that is untrue but it is not a love born of respect and affection. More a filial duty. I would like to change this but it is not that easy, there is too much water under the bridge to do this. I will never be outright mean and I will never do anything to deliberately hurt him but forgive him certain things, no.

So there we have it, I will miss the idea of what a father could be and I am sure that in some respects I will miss him, but in others I will not miss him and in some ways it will be a relief when he dies and I can just accept my mixed and muddled feelings and move on.......

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