Monday 14 June 2010

Blues and booze

This past week I have had way too much time on my hands and no energy and that is a bad combination. It just gets a girl to thinking and sometimes thinking is not what you want to do. Especially if you throw in a bucket of booze. So yes the upshot of this is that I have been a smidge maudlin. Thinking of what ifs and bemoaning my apparently friendless state.

Yes all very self pitying I know and I do have friends but sometimes I need friends in the daytime not just evening ones. Begs the question how do I find these people? Why can't there be a web site for people like me to find each other. You know, intelligent, friendly, shop-a-holics with a serious side order of handbags and shoes.....

Having had enough of that kind of self pity I moved onto to an emotional mine field of self pity. The whole subject of children. Or rather my lack of biological ones. I know I have the Childe and yes she is very special to me but I am sure she will understand that sometimes there is a huge gaping hole inside of me ( and I am not talking about the hysterectomy) that cries out to be filled by a child. Now this is not a permanent state of affairs either, for the most part I am completely happy with my life and the way Husband and I rub along together, we do not need or to be honest want children messing up our nice life. But, why is there always a but, sometimes that niggle just pops up, this time it was activated by visiting friends who have the most adorable 1 year old girl. I quite fell in love with her and whilst she is obviously not as cute as PP, she is as I have said adorable. The trouble is with these friends is that they are Husband and my contemporaries and they struggled to get pregnant so we always assumed that we would grow old together in a childless state. They had the good luck to have a child and their life has changed in so many ways and they are good parents, they are in many ways similar to how I imagine I would be. And there is the problem, they have a slice of life that if things had gone differently could have been ours! That can and does niggle when the mood is low. When the mood is not low I am grateful for my husband and my life, the Childe and her family and many other luxuries that I now have and I can raise a glass or seven to our friends and wish them well safe in the knowledge that my lifting of glasses can result in a glorious lie and not with an early morning alarm cry....

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